This kitty is happy and at peace.

Just like me, actually I’m probably more happy.

You make me this happy.  You are amazing and I’m slowly learning to trust you and what we have.

However there have been some sacrifices. J is now not speaking to me, he says he doesn’t like B but I have a feeling he is slightly biased.  He never likes anyone I date and by staying friends with him I don’t know if B and I can be truly happy.  J is so sly, he brings up issues and puts ideas in my head about B, knowing my issues and insecurities, then I can’t stop thinking of things and it puts strain on a relationship that actually has not one thing wrong with it.

When do you cut a friend lose.  When is enough enough and you decide to gamble on a boy who you could love.

But do I want to fall in love?  Is it worth the pain and the fear?  Sometimes I just want to close myself off and protect my heart.  I don’t know if I can open up to B.  I find myself looking through his messages and of course I find something from his ex, and that just hardens my heart.  I think I should just see this as a period of fun, but remember this too shall pass.  Whatever happens I know I can deal with it, I can survive anything, as my event-filled life has proven.

But I need to enjoy the happy for what it is.

This post was supposed to be filled with happy thoughts, but I seem to have something beneath the kitty zen I needed to get ut.

And feel better now

You said you were different and I didn’t believe it, but I’m starting to.

Haven’t felt like this in a long time.

I hope to God you don’t break what I’m offering you.

It might not look like much but trust me, it’ll be the best you’ll ever find.

Thank you thank you thank you universe!

God this seeing someone at work is terrible.  I feel sick now waiting for something bad to happen.

But does this worrying help? Does it change what you are thinking or feeling?

No.  So I must stop it.

But how?

Writing helps a little but I just don’t know what to do. Sigh.

So I have not written a post for the loooooooooooongest time.

Why you may ask?  Well because a certain person managed to find it and thus reads all about what is going on in my life and I would have preferred this blog to remain anonymous.

But I miss writing my feelings down too much.

So I say Fuck it.

If you want to read this (and you know who you are) then I can’t be held responsible for what you read and if it hurts you.

So there.

Phew so now that that’s over with, back to the drama of the moment.

So I have two very good friends at work, male ones.  And I happened to fall in like with the one.  But he had a girlfriend, and I started seeing my ex again so I put it away in a little box marked “Do not touch” and tried to move on.  But alas it didn’t work. Then he broke up with his girlfriend, and things between me and my ex didn’t work out so here we both were, single and well things happened.

We’ve had the official talk and everything, we are ‘together’.  But I can’t shake this feeling.

This feeling that my happiness is going to come crashing down around my ears.  His ex works with us as well so he sees her every day and I just don’t know how he could be over her.  I am so scared he’s using me as a rebound and I just can’t let go and enjoy.  It’s silly and defeatist but I almost would rather be single and not deal with the scary things like feelings.

What a crazy girl I am.  When I am alone I complain but now that I have someone amazing I just can’t deal with it.  I hate being hurt, I can’t handle it all over again.  I just might die of a broken heart and I wonder if it’s all worth it in the end?

I have a lot of things left to accomplish before I can die.  I should hop to it.

1.) Started your own blog
2.) Slept under the stars
3.) Played in a band
4.) Visited Hawaii
5.) Watched a meteor shower
6.) Given more than you can afford to charity
7.) Been to Disney World
8.) Climbed a mountain
9.) Held a praying mantis
10.) Sang a solo
11.) Bungee jumped
12.) Visited Paris
13.) Watched a lightning storm
14.) Taught yourself an art from scratch
15.) Adopted a child
16.) Had food poisoning
17.) Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18.) Grown your own veggies
19.) Seen the Mona Lisa at the Louvre
20.) Slept on an overnight train – man overnight ferry and bus and train like thing…
21.) Had a pillowfight
22.) Hitch hiked
23.) Taken a sick day when you’re not sick
24.) Made a snow fort
25.) Held a lamb
26.) Ran a marathon
27.) Went skinny dipping
28.) Rode in a gondola in Venice
29.) Witnessed a total eclipse
30.) Seen a sunrise or sunset
31.) Hit a home run
32.) Been on a cruise
33.) Seen Niagara Falls in person
34.) Visited the birthplace/home of your ancestors
35.) Seen an Amish country
36.) Taught yourself a new language
37.) Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38.) Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39.) Gone rock climbing
40.) Seen Michelangelo’s David in person
41.) Sung karaoke
42.) Seen Old Faithful erupt
43.) Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44.) Visited Africa
45.) Walked on a beach by moonlight
46.) Taken a ride in an ambulance
47.) Had your portrait painted
48.) Gone deep sea fishing
49.) Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower
50.) Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
51.) Kissed in the rain
52.) Played in the mud
53.) Gone to a drive-in theater
54.) Been in a movie
55.) Visited the Great Wall of China
56.) Started a business
57.) Taken a martial arts class
58.) Visited Russia
59.) Worked at a soup kitchen
60.) Sold Girl Scout cookies
61.) Gone whale watching
62.) Gotten flowers for no reason
63.) Donated blood, platelets, or plasma
64.) Gone sky diving
65.) Visited Nazi concentration camp
66.) Bounced a check
67.) Flown in a helicopter
68.) Saved a childhood toy
69.) Visited the Lincoln Memorial
70.) Eaten caviar
71.) Pieced a quilt
72.) Stood in Times Square
73.) Toured the Everglades
74.) Been fired from a job
75.) Seen the changing of the guards in London
76.) Broken a bone
77.) Been a passenger on a motorcycle
78.) Seen the Grand Canyon in person
79.) Published a book
80.) Visited the Vatican
81.) Bought a brand new car – was bought for me…
82.) Visited Jerusalem
83.) Had your picture in the paper
84.) Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
85.) Visited the White House
86.) Killed and prepared an animal for eating
87.) Had chickenpox
88.) Saved someone’s life
89.) Sat on a jury
90.) Met someone famous
91.) Joined a book club
92.) Got a tattoo – and getting another one this weekend
93.) Had a baby
94.) Seen the Alamo in person
95.) Swam in the Great Salt Lake
96.) Been involved in a law suit
97.) Owned a cell phone
98.) Been stung by a bee
99.) Swam in the Black Sea – there’s a Black Sea??

• If you could give the world one piece of advice, what would it be?  This too shall pass
• If you could have a room full of any one thing, what would it be? Champagne
• What do you value most in other people? Honesty, integrity and reliability
  
• If you could only see black and white except for one color, what color would it be? Red
• If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? Get lipo on my stomach
  
• If you could choose one of your personality traits to pass on to your children, what would it be? Strength
• What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail? Develop a chocolate that was fat free and tasted like Lindt
  
• Would you rather teach a young child to read or have to learn again for yourself? Learn again – we are always learning
  
• What is the best advice you’ve ever given and received? Given? Don’t let them tell you can’t do it. Received? Forgive him.
• How would you like to die? Beneath a brazilian underwear model
  

New job, boy issues, friend issues, all have managed to exhaust me but now I have returned.  And with a nice little questionnaire that I stole from ExMi.

Opening…

Do you get regular massages?

No – I do not like them.  Nope not one bit.  I cannot relax with another person’s hands on me, I tense up even worse.  I don’t even get my head massaged at the hairdressers.

Do you have an answering machine?

My voicemail on my cellphone – which no one ever uses anyway.  Why bother to phone someone and then not leave a message.  At least give me an idea of what you want before I decide whether or not to call you back.

What cuss word do you use the most?

I swear way too fucking much.

Are you underweight or overweight?

Over thanks to xmas and my lack of gym motivation.

Can you see your veins?

Yes, everywhere.  I am extremely pale.  But on the plus side at least the doctor never struggles to find a vein.

Favorite…

Soap?

John Galliano.

Fruit?

Nectarines.

Kind of red meat?

Ribs. From Meat Co. Nom nom nom.

Fish?

Salmon.

Candy bar?

Peppermint Crisp.

Have You Ever…

Eaten a whole bag of potato chips?

Yes – Woolies hand made sea salt.

Eaten lobster?

Yes – best time on a beach in Thailand with the waves lapping my feet – pure heaven.

Climbed a mountain?

Once – under duress, never again.

Been skydiving?

No too poep scared.

Been water skiing?

Tried, failed and decided that some things aren’t as great as they seem.

Do You…

Wish you could change something about your life?

Yes – I still wish my mom was here.

Like your nose?

Yip, it’s a perfectly cute nose.

Like salt and vinegar chips?

Sometimes.

Eat salsa?

At a mexican restaurant.

Own a boat?

Nope.

What Is…

A small thing that people let slide but that actually has dire consequences?

Not saying I love you enough to those who count.  Before you know it they are gone and you are left with a mountain of regret and missed chances.

Your most macho trait?

My ability to consume large amounts of alcohol.

The longest relationship you’ve ever had?

2 years.  But that was so long ago I think I have forgotten the steps.

Your most embarrassing thoughts?

Hmmmm.

Your most shameful moment?

Getting so drunk I passed out at a house party in the bathroom. Very classy.

This/That…

Bath/Shower?

Bath

Markers/Crayons?

Crayons

Pens/Pencils?

Pens

Jelly/Cream Cheese?

Jelly

Bagel/Toast?

Bagel

Finish…

My greatest weakness is…

Not being able to say no.

I wish I was…

Nothing more – I love myself the way I am.

Three things I wouldn’t do for a million dollars are…

Give away my heart, be in a vat of spiders, jump off a high building.

The oddest thing I’ve ever put in my mouth is…

Bokdrol.

Firsts…

Credit card you had?

Still don’t have one – and I should never have one.

Loan you got was for?

My first car. From my ex.  Still have not paid him back.

Paycheck was for how much?

A pittance.

Time you had stitches?

The only stitches I’ve had were dissolving ones in my mouth after I went to the dentist.  I always wanted stitches.

Time you went to the hospital for something?

Getting my tonsils out when I was 5.  I vaguely remember being high and looking at some freaky disney poster.
Lasts…

List everything you ate in the last 24 hours?

Fruit, Rice, Roast beef, vegetables, Spaghetti Bolognese.

Last thing you used a credit card for?

Never used one.

What was your job previous to the one you have now?

Supposedly a copywriter at a digital agency but I was actually just a glorified secretary.

Last thing you celebrated?

Finishing my first week at my new job.

Last time you were at a sports bar?

Saturday – thanks to J I am at one at least once a week.

1> This is probably the longest post I could manage today as I have an epic hangover from not being sober since Thursday.

2> Steers is my ultimate hangover cure.  I shall be making a visit to them a little bit later.

3> I am missing my mom terribly.

4> I can do the time warp – well. There is photographic evidence.

5> My clumsiness is becoming legen – dary.

And that’s that for today.

So I know the festive season is meant to be busy, but this is crazy.

My weekend officially begins this weekend, as does my holiday and I have no time! Here is my exhausting list for the next few days.

Thursday > Meet friend for drinks after work

> Have dinner with my best friend

> Go to Sandton FTV for a birthday/farewell

Friday > Shop for and get supplies for braai at other best friend’s house

Saturday > Get hair done

> Find birthday present

> Arrive at party venue early to help decorate

Sunday > Quad bike riding and riding lesson which I have been putting off for ages

> Last Nicci beach party at H2O with Roger Goode

Then I have my last week of work and I am going away on Friday afternoon after work.  Somehow I have to fit my Christmas shopping into all this before I leave Jhb.

If I start delving into illegal substances you’ll know why.

Is anyone else’s weekend/December so crazy??

Lately I have been feeling my age.  And seeing as I am only 23 (soon to be 24) that is no mean feat.  And what pray tell has got me feeling old?  Boys.

Yes boys.  That is the only way to describe them as I seem to be traveling backwards in time and dallying with men younger than me.  This could be a problem.

I have never dated anyone my own age.  Before this year I had only ever been with men at least 6 years older than me, ranging up to 20 years.  I admired them for their wisdom, experience, wallets and conversation.

But I seem to be entering my cougar phase.  Yes it might be a tad premature but I look at it this way.  I will have a head start on my cougar compatriots by the time they wake up and realize the joys of dating (or snogging) younger men.  I will have collected an entire dossier of information and perfected my approach.

Not that this started out with a deliberate plan of action.  Just that lately I only seem to meet, attract and like the younger men.  Last Thursday when I was creeping through a gentleman’s house to his room, heels in hand (to prevent waking the parentals) and giggling like a school girl I exclaimed “This makes me feel so young!” I did not question at the time why a 20 something man would be living at home, it’s a recession and who I am to judge?

But the next day it all made sense when my wingman J called me up after the night to get the low-down.  As I was describing our stealthy movements to get to his room, J piped up that it wasn’t surprising seeing as he is only 20.

Wait, what? And then I started to look back over the past few months.  That boy at Jolly’s.  Yummy but definitely just out of his teens (or maybe still in them but his six pack rendered me incapable of coherent thought). The lovely Matthew at Sun City, so sweet and eager to please.

I see a pattern, hmmmm. Yes I know it might only be 3 or 4 years, but I still feel a bit like a dirty old lady standing on the side of a playground offering sweeties to lure poor unsuspecting young’uns into my car.

But really there are perks to cradle snatching:

• They generally have really good bodies. I am talking ripped, six pack drool inducing good
• When you say you want no-strings attached fun they are only too eager to comply, without the sleaze or disrespect of the older generation
• If you get drunk they don’t look at you with scorn, or question how you are going to make it to work tomorrow – they simply go along with the flow
• They have not yet lost their awe of women and can be unfailingly polite and sweet
• Did I mention the six packs?
• They will not ask you what you do for a living, what your 5 year plan is or where you see yourself, instead they hand you the salt and lemon without question